Femo

I thought I'd share with you a little inside joke I have with myself:

I find it humorous that when I'm walking down Commonwealth Avenue, most would assume I'm listening to Underoath or whatever emo bands people listen to these days, what with the dyed red streaks in my hair, my black hoodies, checkered vans, and the cold, hard stare on my face.

However, I'm actually listening to Hanson.

Suck on that, society! You think you know me? You don't know me.

Mickey Mouse is racist

Okay, so I didn't want to admit that I have actually seen the ABC Family movie "Another Cinderella Story," but I feel that something needs to be said about it. Because when don't I have something to say about stupid shit like this? (seriously people? you called it "ANOTHER Cinderella Story"? it sounds like even you are tired of your own bullshit).

Okay so first of all, I got roped into watching this fuckery because apparently some of my friends are still stuck in their pre-teen years (you know who you are). And the entire time I could not help but notice how blatantly racist, stereotypical, and down right offensive Disney movies/shows really are. But no one ever gets heated about it or says anything, and you know why? Because it's expected! Disney is made up of bigots!

Although it may also be true that people never call them on their bullshit because anyone that speaks out against Disney is silently murdered in their sleep by assassins wearing Mickey Mouse ears. I don't know if that's true, it's just a rumor I heard. Or made up.

But I am going to risk the possibility of being slaughtered by the mouse-eared mafia because this has gone too far.

Okay so in this movie, like many other Disney productions, the single two minority characters end up falling in love. Not only can there not be more than two black characters in a Disney movie (the girl may even be part white) but they have to fall for each other because apparently pre-teens can't handle interracial relationships. C'mon man! COME ON!

Okay next there is the scene with the Asian family that comes to clean and do the poor white girl's shit so she can go dance with that white boy or whatever. And OF COURSE the Asian man speaks broken English, says something along the lines of "love you long time" or whatever, and is a CLEANER! Damn Disney, you might as well have him give the girl a damn pedicure and ask her when she wants her dry cleaning done by. COME ON!

Then there are the stereotypes about punky skateboarder girls and emo chicks (yeah, I'm so going there). Us poor emo kids get a bad rap. They dye this actresses' hair red, put her in a safety-pin designed shirt, tell her to use the word "emo" and make her talk like she's got demons inside her. I kind of lost track of where I was going with this because so far they are actually dead on. We'll skip this part. 

What really annoyed me was their attempt to make the next up-and-coming Disney whore Selena Gomez look really "chill" and "hip" by making her a skateboarder chick. Okay look, no matter how cool you look carrying a skateboard around (and wearing your Disney approved knee and elbow pads), if your eyes bug out of your head and you look like you're staring death in the face whenever you get on the skateboard...the coolness factor is gone. 

Maybe I'm just bitter that I'm past my prime and can never be whored out by Disney. Those kids and their promise rings just always look like they're having so much damn fun!

"I'm a scholar, Mother. I enjoy scholarly pursuits."

So I'm walking home from a lovely, Sunday night dinner with my college family (we're just like any other family, in that we argue about television, disrespect each other's personal life choices, and harass one another's flaws relentlessly. But in a loving way) and it's snowing. For a moment, I look up and admire how gorgeous the white flakes look as they seem to magically appear from the night sky. 

However, as I'm walking with my head tilted back, jaw dropped, and possibly drool coming from my mouth, I complete my almost perfected dumbass image by slipping on some nasty snow sludge and falling flat on my ass. And then I remember that snow is a complete and total dickhead. 

Ever since I was a youngin' I did not get the fascination with snow. Don't get me wrong, I loved getting off from school due to inclement weather just as much as the next snot-nosed kid, but it was always bittersweet for me. It was just a matter of time before friends started calling to go "play in the snow." 

Play in the snow? You want to "play"? In the snow? Okay let me get this straight. I'm supposed to pile on a bunch of ridiculous looking clothing, waddle out into the freezing cold, allow total douche hammers to pelt snow balls at me because it's "fun," all so that in a few hours I can let my stinging red fingers and toes thaw out with a lukewarm, watered down hot chocolate? Yes, please. Sign me up.

Then there's sledding. Not only do you have to waddle out to the town's "biggest" hill (ours was at the middle school), but you have to somehow maneuver your bundled up, thousand pound ass into the seated position so you can fall down a hill. 

And don't even get me started on crowds. Waiting. In the cold. To slide down powdery ice. I'm sure your next-door neighbor has a fucking swing set. And it probably has a slide. Use it. 

Then there are the people who don't even wait. "Oh are those people down there? Oh they have a five-year-old child with them? Oh that's okay, I probably won't hit them." BAM! Scarred for life. It's like fucking bowling for these people. "Oh damn, sorry about that. Well, shake it off 'cause you gotta pick up that sled and hike back up that hill so you can do it all over again!"

Now that I'm older it's all about skiing and snowboarding. Now I won't lie, some people are naturally talented at that and can do flips and shit and look like they're having a blast. Especially that Olympic snowboarder, Shawn White or whatever. He's really hot. 

Anyway, it's not for me and it never will be. I've tried it. I've tried it on many occasions. And every time I get out there I remember why I hate it. 

I guess as a child you're supposed to perfect the art of functioning in ill-fitting snow wear so that when you are older you can move on from sledding to the more advanced shit. However, unless you come out of the womb with skis on your damn feet, this shit is impossible. And painful. Just when you think you've got the hang of it, an ice chunk appears and sends you soaring through the air. It would probably be pretty cool if it was on purpose. 

Luckily that soft powdery snow is there to cushion the blow to your face. It's especially nice when it trickles down your neck, through your sleeves, and down your pants, and you're like, "Fuckin great, I'm glad I wore all these clothes that are now soaking wet and useless. How long have we been here? Did we get our money's worth yet?"

And that is why I am watching the snow fall from the comfort of my bed as I compose my first blog post. I am one bitter nerd.