It's Raining, It's Pouring, I can see your underpants. (How does it go again?)

Dear Ladies of Boston:

Apparently Juicy Couture started making umbrellas, because I saw about twelve today. 

I'm going to go out on a limb here and assume that they didn't have the nasty streets of Boston in mind when designing this "couture" umbrella. It's probably more like a parasol, so you can flaunt your expensive taste without making it endure any actual weather phenomena. 

So, when you're using this couture umbrella to protect your delicate couture outfit on a rainy day like today, and it flips inside out (because all umbrellas do this in Boston, trust this) I will purposely attempt to trip you. Just to add insult to injury. And because it's like, really funny.

Sincerely,

Bitter Girl Who Is Having a Bad Day Because She Actually Really Wants a Juicy Couture Umbrella

It's gonna happen

Attention fans! Yes, you, you single person right there. I probably shouldn't have made fans plural.

Another post is soon to come, I promise.

Until then, I will be here, in my room, pep talking myself before I actually clean it, which will happen at some point tonight/probably the wee hours of the morning if I put it off long enough. This picture is only from one angle, and barely does it justice....

Spring break is a mere bomb disaster clean-up away

Happy Halloween!....?

So Valentine's Day is coming up and I've been thinking.....Valentine's Day is essentially Halloween. Think about it:

We get all dressed up in the hopes that we will make someone feel obligated to give us free chocolate.

SAME THING!

So this year, instead of going as the desperate, lonely girl, I'm going to dress up as a vampire. Vampires seem to get a lot of action these days. 

Happy Halloween/Valentine's Day!

Hey Sheep, Say Hello To Ya Motha For Me

Remember in 5th/6th/7th grade before we really even knew how to use the intranetzz and we would send surveys to each other via our AOL email addresses and ask to have others fill it out and send it back even though you'd only read the first two questions and be like, "I don't give a shit about this person, whateveskis" and then fill out some more surveys about yourself? Was that one sentence? I think that just happened. Pepsi or Coke?

Anyway, it then progressed to Xanga, before we even really understood what a blog post was, so we'd either type out an online diary entry ("so lyke we sat at a diff. lunch table today and it waz so weird cuz we were next to tha boiz"), or fill out more surveys, the most popular being "Write 100 facts about yourself." I wont lie, I totes did it. And I loved it and thought I was really cool and witty. Cause I was.

Now we've reached the Facebook era, and poor old Facebook is being raped by the "25 Things About Yourself" posts. What the eff? Didn't Facebook start out as a college based networking site? Just sayin'.

I really don't care that you want to have 6 kids and you totes love your natural hair color and that you've always dreamed of marrying a man who adopts stray cats and enjoys long walks on the beach. Keep that crazy shit to yourself.

So here's the deal: I'm a hypocrite. And I love lists. But instead of providing you with a list of really personal things about myself that could double as a personal ad on a dating site, I'm going to provide you with a list of things that may or may not relate to my life. Vital things.

10 Things You Don't Really Need to Know But Could Come In Handy Someday, Maybe, In Like, A Really Weird Situation...

1. A mouse was living in our stove.

2. Michael Phelps hits the bong.

3. My dog is 15 and licks the couch. 

4. Farts make the most interesting/hilarious sounds. Stop trying to deny it. It has nothing to do with maturity. Just think about it. Your ass is making that sound. And it sounds fucking weird. And intriguing. And hilarious.

5. I've been woken up by people fucking in the apartment above my room. On more than one occasion. 

6. "Guns don't kill people, physics kills people" --3rd Rock from the Sun

7. The best pervy term for boobs is "fun bags"

8. The foam from toothpaste doesn't serve a purpose or do anything. It's just there to make you feel better. I read that somewhere.

9. The heater in my room is plotting to kill me.

10. Insert obligatory "omg you're so lame for reading this whole thing if you got to this last one because like, it was already lame for me to write it but then you read the whole thing so that therefore makes you lamer and I secretly really wanted you to read this because it says so much I've always wanted to tell you let's be together."

I hope you've learned a lot about me, on a personal level. 

Femo

I thought I'd share with you a little inside joke I have with myself:

I find it humorous that when I'm walking down Commonwealth Avenue, most would assume I'm listening to Underoath or whatever emo bands people listen to these days, what with the dyed red streaks in my hair, my black hoodies, checkered vans, and the cold, hard stare on my face.

However, I'm actually listening to Hanson.

Suck on that, society! You think you know me? You don't know me.

Mickey Mouse is racist

Okay, so I didn't want to admit that I have actually seen the ABC Family movie "Another Cinderella Story," but I feel that something needs to be said about it. Because when don't I have something to say about stupid shit like this? (seriously people? you called it "ANOTHER Cinderella Story"? it sounds like even you are tired of your own bullshit).

Okay so first of all, I got roped into watching this fuckery because apparently some of my friends are still stuck in their pre-teen years (you know who you are). And the entire time I could not help but notice how blatantly racist, stereotypical, and down right offensive Disney movies/shows really are. But no one ever gets heated about it or says anything, and you know why? Because it's expected! Disney is made up of bigots!

Although it may also be true that people never call them on their bullshit because anyone that speaks out against Disney is silently murdered in their sleep by assassins wearing Mickey Mouse ears. I don't know if that's true, it's just a rumor I heard. Or made up.

But I am going to risk the possibility of being slaughtered by the mouse-eared mafia because this has gone too far.

Okay so in this movie, like many other Disney productions, the single two minority characters end up falling in love. Not only can there not be more than two black characters in a Disney movie (the girl may even be part white) but they have to fall for each other because apparently pre-teens can't handle interracial relationships. C'mon man! COME ON!

Okay next there is the scene with the Asian family that comes to clean and do the poor white girl's shit so she can go dance with that white boy or whatever. And OF COURSE the Asian man speaks broken English, says something along the lines of "love you long time" or whatever, and is a CLEANER! Damn Disney, you might as well have him give the girl a damn pedicure and ask her when she wants her dry cleaning done by. COME ON!

Then there are the stereotypes about punky skateboarder girls and emo chicks (yeah, I'm so going there). Us poor emo kids get a bad rap. They dye this actresses' hair red, put her in a safety-pin designed shirt, tell her to use the word "emo" and make her talk like she's got demons inside her. I kind of lost track of where I was going with this because so far they are actually dead on. We'll skip this part. 

What really annoyed me was their attempt to make the next up-and-coming Disney whore Selena Gomez look really "chill" and "hip" by making her a skateboarder chick. Okay look, no matter how cool you look carrying a skateboard around (and wearing your Disney approved knee and elbow pads), if your eyes bug out of your head and you look like you're staring death in the face whenever you get on the skateboard...the coolness factor is gone. 

Maybe I'm just bitter that I'm past my prime and can never be whored out by Disney. Those kids and their promise rings just always look like they're having so much damn fun!

"I'm a scholar, Mother. I enjoy scholarly pursuits."

So I'm walking home from a lovely, Sunday night dinner with my college family (we're just like any other family, in that we argue about television, disrespect each other's personal life choices, and harass one another's flaws relentlessly. But in a loving way) and it's snowing. For a moment, I look up and admire how gorgeous the white flakes look as they seem to magically appear from the night sky. 

However, as I'm walking with my head tilted back, jaw dropped, and possibly drool coming from my mouth, I complete my almost perfected dumbass image by slipping on some nasty snow sludge and falling flat on my ass. And then I remember that snow is a complete and total dickhead. 

Ever since I was a youngin' I did not get the fascination with snow. Don't get me wrong, I loved getting off from school due to inclement weather just as much as the next snot-nosed kid, but it was always bittersweet for me. It was just a matter of time before friends started calling to go "play in the snow." 

Play in the snow? You want to "play"? In the snow? Okay let me get this straight. I'm supposed to pile on a bunch of ridiculous looking clothing, waddle out into the freezing cold, allow total douche hammers to pelt snow balls at me because it's "fun," all so that in a few hours I can let my stinging red fingers and toes thaw out with a lukewarm, watered down hot chocolate? Yes, please. Sign me up.

Then there's sledding. Not only do you have to waddle out to the town's "biggest" hill (ours was at the middle school), but you have to somehow maneuver your bundled up, thousand pound ass into the seated position so you can fall down a hill. 

And don't even get me started on crowds. Waiting. In the cold. To slide down powdery ice. I'm sure your next-door neighbor has a fucking swing set. And it probably has a slide. Use it. 

Then there are the people who don't even wait. "Oh are those people down there? Oh they have a five-year-old child with them? Oh that's okay, I probably won't hit them." BAM! Scarred for life. It's like fucking bowling for these people. "Oh damn, sorry about that. Well, shake it off 'cause you gotta pick up that sled and hike back up that hill so you can do it all over again!"

Now that I'm older it's all about skiing and snowboarding. Now I won't lie, some people are naturally talented at that and can do flips and shit and look like they're having a blast. Especially that Olympic snowboarder, Shawn White or whatever. He's really hot. 

Anyway, it's not for me and it never will be. I've tried it. I've tried it on many occasions. And every time I get out there I remember why I hate it. 

I guess as a child you're supposed to perfect the art of functioning in ill-fitting snow wear so that when you are older you can move on from sledding to the more advanced shit. However, unless you come out of the womb with skis on your damn feet, this shit is impossible. And painful. Just when you think you've got the hang of it, an ice chunk appears and sends you soaring through the air. It would probably be pretty cool if it was on purpose. 

Luckily that soft powdery snow is there to cushion the blow to your face. It's especially nice when it trickles down your neck, through your sleeves, and down your pants, and you're like, "Fuckin great, I'm glad I wore all these clothes that are now soaking wet and useless. How long have we been here? Did we get our money's worth yet?"

And that is why I am watching the snow fall from the comfort of my bed as I compose my first blog post. I am one bitter nerd.